I’m gay but don’t like anal sex
Topping, bottoming, flip-flopping. With boyfriends, dates and guys I’d met on one night stands. I had anal sex because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, what I’d been told to do, because being gay is synonymous with anal sex, right? And then one day I came across the term ‘side’ – a term used by gay men who don’t enjoy anal sex, and suddenly I felt seen.
That was almost ten years ago. I started having the sex I wanted to have instead, and started talking about my new identity to anyone who would listen. The surprising thing was, that the more people I spoke to, the more I started to realise how many other people felt exactly the same as me. I completely lost count of the times I’d hear – ‘Wait, that’s a thing? I feel that way too!’ – it seemed that there was a staggering number of gay men who also weren’t in to topping or bottoming, and yet hadn’t found the language to express how they felt.
A guy I used to date even reached out to say that he too now identified as a side – the irony being that for the duration of the time we dated each other, the two of us had been having anal sex that neither of us wanted to have.
And it’s not always just a preference either – there are gay guys with medical conditions that mean they physically aren’t able to have anal sex. Men with phimosis (a tight foreskin) may not be able to top, and for gay men with stomas, bottoming could quite literally be life-threatening. So why then, after all of these years, is identifying as a ‘side’ still something we hear about so seldomly? The term was coined in 2013, and yet there still seems to be so little awareness. We still very much live in a top/bottom/vers culture, and I still have to find myself explaining what it means to be a ‘side’ on a near daily basis.
How to douche with a water bottle
Cleaning up before anal sex can be tricky without the right tools. Luckily, there’s one method that works wherever fine bottled water is sold. Here’s our guide, plus more tips to help you clean out safely.
Hygiene seldom counts more than when you’re about to get a little anal. If you’re settling in for some butt fun, you’ll usually want to make sure everything’s clean and tidy and ready for company. That’s easy enough if you have plenty of time to prepare — you can get a douching kit (or a shower attachment if you’re fancy) and go to town.
But if you’re in a bit of a rush or away from home, you might need to improvise. Fortunately, with just a few supplies, it’s easy enough to clean yourself out with a water bottle. Here’s how.
A note of caution before you proceed: Don’t make this a frequent practice. All forms of douching carry downsides, like a risk of injury and infection, and can also disrupt your electrolyte balance. In extreme causes, it can cause water intoxication — a real condition that can be life-threatening.
Medical experts don’t have a clear-cut answer on how often one can douche safely; some say no more than three times a week and only once in a given day. And if possible, use a tool designed for the process rather than grabbing a water bottle. This article isn’t medical advice; if you have questions about your body, talk to a doctor.
You can be gay and not like anal sex
I spent seven years of my adult life having sex that I didn’t want to have. Topping, bottoming, flip-flopping. With boyfriends, dates and guys I’d met on one night stands. I had anal sex because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, what I’d been told to do, because being gay is synonymous with anal sex, right? And then one day I came across the term ‘side’ – a term used by gay men who don’t enjoy anal sex, and suddenly I felt seen.
That was almost ten years ago. I started having the sex I wanted to have instead, and started talking about my new identity to anyone who would listen. The surprising thing was, that the more people I spoke to, the more I started to realise how many other people felt exactly the same as me. I completely lost count of the times I’d hear – ‘Wait, that’s a thing? I feel that way too!’ – it seemed that there was a staggering number of gay men who also weren’t in to topping or bottoming, and yet hadn’t found the language to express how they felt.
A guy I used to date even reached out to say that he too now identified as a side – the irony being that for the duration of the time we dated each other, the two of us had been having anal sex that neither of us wanted to have.
What’s a top, bottom or, vers?
I see a lot of “bottom” “top” and “vers” online and on dating apps, but if you’re a virgin, and still haven’t had sex with someone, how do you know? Should you just try both, and then know? And do these three terms only apply to anal intercourse, or is it other forms of sex too? —Alexei, 18, he/him
There’s little on this great green earth that’ll make you feel more on the spot than having to choose a label for yourself. Especially if the criteria of those labels are based on something theoretical, like the future sex you’ll be having. Your stress is totally understandable, but I come bearing some great news: It often takes a while, sometimes many years, for gay and bisexual people to self-identify as a “bottom,” “top,” or “versatile” (vers for short).
I’m not just saying that as a hunch — there’s actual data on the subject. In a recent survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that “men’s sexual position self-label was learned over a 15-year timespan.” For many, choosing a label is a slow evolution that has “enormous complexity.” In other words, even thirtysomethings on these apps may not totally know their preferences yet.
So, how do you go about figuring it out? First, let’s talk about what these labels mean. Generally, a bottom is the receiver, a top is the giver, and vers is someone who does both. These terms, while often applied to anal sex, do apply elsewhere, and aren’t reserved for men who have sex with men. When it comes to penetrative sex, being a top or bottom often refers to who is penetrating and who is being penetrated. But for non-penetrative sex these terms might refer to a power dynamic. All that said, there’s no strict definition of any of these things, and they might mean different things to different people— when in doubt, ask!