Hey, there’s something I’d like to share with you…

milkboys Meta 26 Comments

I was assigned male at birth. I thought about this very little early in my life. I kinda always knew that I would rather be a girl if I could be but it was one of those things, you know? We all would be happy to be this or that but we still deal with what life threw at us instead.

Over the last few years, and especially recent months though I began to realise that not having body dysphoria about my gender doesn’t mean I’m not trans. Or somewhere on that spectrum at least.

I thought a lot about this for quite a while now and the more I did the more I realised how much happier and comfortable with myself I would be if I’d allow myself to not consider myself male.

I always thought being trans means you have to struggle with the body you were born in but after talking to trans friends I learnt that this is not necessarily the case. What I know is that seeing myself as not male makes me happy, comfortable and more confident than I ever was, it feels right. People using female pronouns for me feels super right.

I know most people won’t “read” me as female for obvious reasons (voice, face, body etc) but that’s ok and at least parts of that I can work towards and after a lot of consideration I decided that I’d like to do just that.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m not exactly swimming in money to say the least so if you feel like helping me out I’d forever appreciate it <3 There are some things that I will likely have to pay for myself (voice coaching, some cosmetic/medical things etc.) and some that I will probably have to pay upfront for. Bureaucratic stuff like changing my name for example. I go by Emilie now by the way ;)

click here if you want to help me out <3


If you donate and aren’t a juiceboys subscriber yet, I’ll get you an account of course as a little thank you. Thank you so much everyone!


Comments 26

      1. for Horeslips trans people are non existent beings, so he will never come back now i guess… at least me would not miss him ;)

        1. Yeah, he’s been conned!
          Twice, even, since “con” is French slang for pussy. ;)
          Same root as “coney”, the old word for rabbit, or in that case, short for rabbit hole.

          1. Relax, Penboy. You haven’t lost me. You can still wake up at night screaming my name and hugging your pillow.

            Timo – Chill. Trans people are still people. Whether a trans lady really is a lady, or just an extremely effeminate man, but a man nevertheless, is for the folks in the lab coats wearing thick glasses and carrying clipboards to finally decide. Josh, for all his courage and tolerance, was one of my heroes, Emilie is now one of my heroines.

            Chimel – not conned, just surprised like everyone else here. Josh was not a con man, and if he’s morphed into Emilie, that’s just a way of adapting to growing feelings.

            The whole trans issue revolves around just one question – what should society (law and culture) recognize as determinant – the body or the mind – and under what circumstances should accommodations apply. It’s DNA, genetics and physicality vs. perception, feelings and self-realization. Until biology and psychology come to an agreement, nobody’s right or wrong.

  1. That’s so cool, Emilie! There was always a different feminine-like vibe in the artistry and inclusivity of your blogs, this picture included. Not your usual gay blog. Not that gays or straights don’t have a feminine side, but somehow it makes more sense (I probably don’t.). It’s not just you, even your blog seems to be more consistent with your new identity. That guy Josh definitely had no part designing and writing it! ;)

    It’s been long in the making, but you’re still pretty young for a great transitioning experience. Soon enough the only Josh we’ll remember will be Hutcherson…

    So, basically you just came out as straight?
    (Just putting this bad joke here before others ridicule themselves writing it.)

    Well I look forward to the new you and your enterprises. Somehow I don’t think your “New Year resolution” will be forgotten comes February… ;)

  2. I wonder whether our actual sex is important. I do not intend that to be as blunt as it seems. Bear with me.

    Our bodies are interesting attributes. They have different dangly bits, the female body has an innie, the male has an outie, but aren’t those something that society over millennia has attributed value to? They have a biological importance, of course they do. The female body is capable of pregnancy and childbirth, the male of creating that situation. But they are not that different, especially when viewed form below and behind.

    The labia equate broadly to the scrotum. The male has the raphe where the vaginal opening is in the female. Males were zipped together in the womb.

    Setting the physical aside, are we not what we FEEL we are?

    Apart from my dried arrangement I feel neither male nor female. I feel like me.

    If I set the plumbing aside, I have feelings that society tells me are male and those it tells me are female. I doubt I am unique. I am maternal when I see a child. Society tells me I am paternal, but what do they know? Ladies become very protectively aggressive to protect their children. That is as male an attribute as a female one.

    I am cis gendered and male. But does that mean I feel male inside, or female? Surely I am a combination of the two? And does that not make me, simply, a human being?

    And despite the hormones the male and female bodies have and differ in, are they not really architectural drawings for the carcass rather than the intellect and emotions?

    And so I return to my thought at the start, something you have made me consider. I wonder whether our actual sex is important.

    So, Emilie, more power to your elbow. Represent yourself as the person you are, the person inside the body you inhabit, and do so with true self worth and a positive self image.

    1. I have made you a small donation. You touched my crabby old heart. Use the donations well, and blossom and bloom as long as you live.

    2. Well said. I also think along these lines, that gender matters for small practical things, like pissing standing or sitting, how you have sex, or how others look at you, but I feel that my gender defines me much less than my personality, maybe my look or even my sexual orientation, the kind of music I listen to, etc.

      You were talking about kids, well there are so many single parent families now that I don’t believe the remaining parent plays “both” roles, or just maternal or just paternal. They are just parents who care for their kids in all ways necessary, and the traditional roles are not as relevant to single-parent families in our modern society.

      So maybe we don’t need a “gender” checkbox on our IDs, even one with 3 or more options, since gender is a bit of a spectrum, can change, and does not matter that much anyway, compared to other personality traits. There’ll still be separate bathrooms in school anyway, but the kids don’t need an ID to know where they belong.

      1. For me, the only logical conclusion to this is that gender is a spectrum, and that our society failed to understand this, forcing each of us into one of the two categories.

  3. Emilie – you still will be a boy/man after all these operations. Your chromosomes will not change. Pretending that you will be more girlish is a delusion simply. It i would meet you and after some time realize, that you are male it’s clear to me to call you with you male name and pronounce he/him and not she/her. There must be other solutions to make you feel comfortabe.
    It sounds a little critical, but I am not a fan of this “girl in boys body” stuff. It is your decision what you are doing to your body. But think on the negative consequences also. Everything has two sides.

      1. And of course, everything has a whole rainbow of sides, at least 10, but he’s probably a computer guy, so he’d think 10 in binary, which equals 2 in decimal…

  4. Hi Emilie, I have a friend in a similar situation. She does not want the operation and has little or no money for hormones and such. She makes do with androgynous clothing, makeup and from time to time a wig.

  5. If I learned something since I first visited milkboys almost 10 years ago: It doesn’t really matter.

    Still, good for you.


  6. Historically, when men and women were segregated, it was easier for nonconforming males (and females) to define themselves – as “not men”. But with the unique roles of males vs females less necessary (though not unnecessary as much as underappreciated), men and women work together and theoretically can choose what they want to do. The result has been that it may have become harder to assert gender nonconformity.

    The thing about identity is that it is always in relation to how other people see you. If you wanted to be seen as a woman, in some cultures all you had to do is look somewhat soft, and people saw you as a woman. Now it seems the only way to do that is to go forward with surgery and hormones.

    My own view is that each should do what they feel is right, but I wish that there was more satisfaction with being part way in between. It seems to me that there is too much emphasis placed on “being seen”. There is a value to being part way in between and to accepting oneself as is.

    1. Chewie Cheeks:
      “I hope you get the psychological help you need one day Joshy”

      Actually, he already has for quite some time …. he has all of us supporting him/her {OK, I need to get used to that, I know}. And that “one day” was when he/she started this blog 9 or 10 years ago.

      A better question is, When will YOU get the psychological help you so obviously need, “[Chewed-Ass-]Cheeks”?

  7. Don’t care what you identify as. You are who you are and I always appreciated the hope you gave to my despairing life. Your blogs helped me to carry on in times and I will always appreciate it and carry on following no matter what. You don’t need to “come out” because it’s normal. You are who you are and I’ll always love you the way I have always. Sorry I can’t donate as I am short on funds as well but maybe if I can have some left over next month, I can send some ^~^

  8. Emilie, please will you keep us updated as your journey progresses? I would like to know how your life changes, and whether it is universally better, or whether aspects are not as good as you hope today.

    I know you will disregard those who cannot understand the issues you are handling. I also know their unkind comments hurt at the time you read them

    I know every person’s journey is different. Yours will inspire someone else. They may not follow your road, but they will start to understand what they must do for themselves.

  9. Emilie,

    Congratulations on coming to terms with your gender identity. My son (female to male) went through this journey and is now the happiest he has ever been.

    For those of you who ‘don’t know about all this’, I encourage you to watch Gender Revolution, a fantastic and fascinating documentary Katey Couric did for National Geographic.

    One interesting fact: trans folks brains operate more as the gender they identify with than the gender their plumbing suggests. Hormone therapy further shifts that brain function to the gender if identity.

    Also, we have no idea how many trans people are actually interested. That is, they are not clearly genetically male or female. It is more common than deaf at birth but because the testing is so expensive it isn’t done very often.

    Just know that your gender is more about what is between your ears than what is between your legs!

  10. Emilie,

    Just wanted to add my voice to those supporting you. Instead of attacking those who aren’t exactly…. ‘aware of best practices and science’ when it comes to trans issues, I’ll just focus on you. I recently realised I was non-binary, which involved primarily rejecting masculine presentation. I also noticed that even people close to me, people who I considered liberal or even trans themselves, weren’t great at supporting me. I got a spectrum of responses similar to what you’ve had here. From ‘ohhh that’s going to be so hard for ME to remember your name and pronouns’ to ‘is this just a fad? you’re a man’.

    Do your best to ignore the unhelpful responses, and remember you are who you feel you are, and you deserve support for that. If someone’s not giving you that support, you don’t have to talk to them.

    Sending trans/NB love across the internet!

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