The Queen is not aroused

milkboys Articles, News 11 Comments

…because if she’d be, she would probably get arrested. You’d think the British government would be kind of busy right now. The war in Syria. The economical disaster that the Brexit will bring. Homeless kids. There are plenty of  important issues to deal with. But alas, these things will have to wait because we have another crisis on our hands: People are having sex! They’re watching porn! They’re masturbating!

That is unacceptable of course but worry not, the Brits are on the case! First point on the agenda will be banning teens from sexting as suggested by health secretary Jeremy Hunt. That should be easy, kids are, after all, known for staying the fuck away from everything they’re not allowed to do. Especially during puberty. Good. The world will be a bit safer once we know the wee ones will jerk off to hardcore porn instead of pictures of classmates!

But wait, porn? Why not ban that as well while we’re at it? Because, actually, adults shouldn’t watch that either. Now you can’t clean the whole internet so instead we’ll shame people watching porn by forcing porn sites to verify the age of all visitors with methods that will let us identify them easily. And if that doesn’t work? Back to banning.

Also, let’s make all that super icky stuff illegal. Let’s ban everything that isn’t the missionary position. After all, only criminals are into such perverted acts as spanking or female ejaculation.

But we’ll have to make sure that people won’t secretly circumvent all these sensible measures. So let’s also store Every. Single. Website. any Brit visits for one year. Well, except when they’re politicians of course, they will be exempt from these spying laws since they’re all honourable, decent humans beings.

And don’t even think about using encryption or other security software to get out of this Orwellian nightmare because the UK will, force tech companies to put in a backdoor for them because they just love fucking their subjects in the butt.

Rule, Britannia! (no jerking off!)

Comments 11

  1. Whilst enjoying the scatalogical tone of your article and completely agreeing with you about the attack on civil liberties that is the Investigatory Powers Bill, I must remonstrate about your little European idea that we face economical disaster due to withdrawing from the stale, static, sclerotic EU.

    The economy is still growing faster than the average for the EU, unemployment is still falling and the stock market is strong.

    We, the majority of English and Welsh, voted to be able to decide our own future and nothing is ever perfect but at least it will be our way.

    1. eh, don’t get ahead of yourselves. SLIGHTLY over half of you voted in favor and it seems from an international perspective that some of those voters didn’t know what they were voting for.

      Really your country seems quite divided on the whole issue, so better phrasing might be “We the majority of the UK agree to disagree on this issue.”

      1. Thank you, Wheatfields, for branding the British nation a load of thickos. Show me one of your crystal balls that has worked so far and I might heed your opinions. And there is no reason why the present crystal balls should be accurate, either.

  2. Ever tried browsing through someone’s internet history? Even your own? It takes ages, and is really boring. The intelligence service has faced £220m in cuts in the last 3 years. Its all good and well capturing all this information but no one is there to number crunch and pursue “offenders”. You can subject the capture to whatever algorithms you want, someone still needs to assess the data and decide to do something.

    Like most things in politics – to declare you are doing something is very different to actually doing something – but as long as the herds think you are doing something, you’ve achieved something – at least for today.

    1. This would be valid, except that once the history is in a database, a simple search function can collate a list of all users who visited X url. The slowest part of this process is waiting for the computer to generate the list.

      Manually, you are correct. Searching through the history would be ridiculous. But with database software where it is today, this is a very real threat to privacy.

  3. Nice to finally see an “in-depth” article showing the ultra-Victorian nature of Britain it’s starting to become. America is getting bad (and worse since this last election … until we get the Republicans out of office where it matters). You “lowly subjects” need to loudly voice your objections in your public square and and I’m pretty sure your politicians will back off their surveillance bullshit. We of course need to do the very same thing.

    I seriously suspect that these draconian measures are helped along by your very own muslim voices … trying to make their “new home” just as fucked up as their old home.

  4. And there were Nikk and I planning to come over and recolonise you all. Don’t think we’ll bother now. Better things to do.

  5. mhh…

    https://www.buzzfeed.com/jamesball/weve-just-learned-the-uk-will-have-to-borrow-an-e

    “The UK economy will grow more slowly, the government will have to borrow more, and there are more risks down the line, official forecasts warn.”

    I also saw a statistic the other day that showed that if you exclude all people who voted leave and died since the Brexit vote you would actually get a remain vote today lol. I’ll try to find it again.

    Edit: that was a reposne to a commet further above, not sure why it didn’t place correctly.

  6. In the States, Trump said that they should ban flag burning. How about using the flag to ejaculate on in the U.K.? And, hell, why not in the States also? :-P

    1. “And, hell, why not in the States also?”

      Who’s to say they haven’t already … or at least used it for cleanup? Not sure of Canada and U.K. …. you know, being so proper and all that.

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