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Niclas Gillis

Sorry for the downtime over the weekend. There was a small technical problem which I fixed on my end but that also required some action by the host and apparently no one was available over the weekend. But that’s all right, everyone deserves some days off, hey? :p

I’m sick

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This is going to be a pretty long & very personal post. I understand that many people come here for entertainment and have enough bad stuff going on in their life and I don’t want to add to that burden so consider this a content warning ;) 

I’m sick a lot. I noticed that but didn’t think too much of it since, other than some pretty regular allergy attacks (which I know now weren’t exactly an allergy), it just seemed to be normal, random colds & flus.

It became an issue over the last year or so because it started to have a noticeable impact on my ability to handle life.

I would drag myself to work, come home and be all done and tired after being awake for barely 12 hours just to go to bed and wake up almost on an hourly basis because my whole body is hurting. Getting even simple things done (like grocery shopping, doing the laundry etc) became a daunting task because I could just not muster the energy some days, my body would just not let me.

current level of energy…

In a way I’m really happy that I know now what the issue is because it means I can start fixing it. The prospect is also scary tho (more on that later).

So, the doctor I went to about my last “allergy” attack made some extra tests and he seems to think I have an issue that affects my immune system. It’s not very common which explains why it wasn’t found before, especially because the symptoms themselves aren’t out of the ordinary for less serious issues (symptoms of having a cold, very sensitive skin, having no energy etc).

I don’t really want to get into too many details because to be quite honest with you, I always feel embarrassed talking about being ill/having issues with my body. I don’t know why that is, I know it’s silly but it actually takes a significant amount of “fuck it” for me to even admit in public that there’s something wrong with me.

To get that out of the way tho: While my doctor said that it’s a serious issue, it’s certainly not life-threatening. This is not a “Shit, I might die” post ;)

But! This illness had a huge negative impact on my life and I’m eager to start fixing it. The easy part here is medicine. The harder one that my doctor was very clear that I should, well, basically take extremely good care of myself because my body needs an absolute no-stress phase for a while. He strongly suggested that I stay home and that’s the issue:

As some of you know I was in the process of starting a new job a friend organised for me in his company. I spoke to him today and luckily he was extremely understanding and offered me to start at a later date (in June, so about three months from now), at which point I hopefully will be a lot better if the medicine works as expected.

I’m not quite sure what to do until then financially tho. You guys were so incredibly generous before when I struggled with life in way less serious ways. I don’t want you to think that asking you to do that one more time is like a default for me now, an easy way out so I don’t have to lie awake at night and worry about solving it like most other people have to.

I sat down and looked at my essential monthly costs (rent, water, heating, utility, food, internet and so on and thought about what I can do without (like for example, I can probably live without phone for a while, stuff like that) and then multiplied the costs by three (for three months) and made that my GoFundMe goal. I’m so annoyed at myself for this because I know what that makes me look like, how I come across.

donation link :( 

I will look into other ways of supporting myself during that time though and adjust the goal accordingly to keep it as low as possible. If you happen to be financially worry-free I’m be eternally grateful for your support, as ashamed as I am about it.

That being said, this will be the last time I do this. I will have a job in a few months and it’s about time that I stand on my own feet and I’m optimistic that once I get there, I’ll be able to.

I’ll take care of milkboys during this time since this is something I can do from home and that doesn’t require anything stressful. I actually, and that’s a small silver line, will have more time for it than usual and the site deserves a bit more attention than I gave it recently anyway.

I’ll keep you updated about everything else as it happens. Thanks for reading, you have no idea how much it means and pushes me that some people out there actually care about me even tho we never met. Love you!